Thursday 9 July 2015

On the eve of my 40th birthday...

Yikes...that is the first word that pops in to my head when I think about turning 40 tomorrow. Followed by FUCK!

Now I don't want you to get me wrong there is nothing inherently wrong with or scary about having a 40th birthday or any other birthday for that matter but for some reason this is the first birthday I have felt dread. The first birthday I have not counted down too with excitement.

Perhaps this dread is fuelled by the situation with my Moms current health and the challenges she has faced since her first stroke at 44, only 4 years older that I am. Perhaps it's fuelled by a fear of what is to come that has been with me since my moms post knee surgery heart attack in May. Perhaps it's knowing that I am now older than both my parents were when they lost their parents. Perhaps it is the stress of the last 6 months caring for my mother and knowing that she even then and especially now requires care that exceeds what I/we can do for her; even if she doesn't want to accept that. Then again maybe it's none of it, maybe it's just the summer heat and the smoke from the forest fires, but I doubt that.

Looking back on my 30's... they have been good to me!  I have a job that I enjoy (most days) at which I will hit 10 years in next month. I bought my first house and have done all kinds of renovations. I have travelled across Canada, and been to a few favourite destinations both local and into the US...I wanna retire in Washington state...between the mountains and the ocean - best of both worlds.  I learnt to play golf and have gone from not being a runner to having completed 4 half marathons...all those in the last year and a half.   Yes there have been difficult times, tough choices and tears shed along the way but I can honestly say my 30's exceeded my expectations and right now that is what I want to be, needing to be focusing on.

Even though I step in to this next decade, my fourth decade, with some serious fears and dread about what will someday come to pass I also know that I can't live in that fear and dread.  A life cannot be lived, especially not well lived when stifled by fear. Fear is a choice and I choose differently. My emotions will not limit my life, I choose to live my life, to make memories and have stories to tell. I choose to do in spite of my fear, in spite of my dread.  I acknowledge they are there but I commit that they will not stop me.


What do I want for my 40's?  What are my goals?

I want adventure, to travel and explore this great big world and to meet people and learn about cultures and history.  I want to learn about the past, see where we are in our present, and build for the future. I want to continue to shape my home into my sanctuary, to enjoy the solace I have built.  I want my years to be filled with laughter and love. I want my 40's to be about gaining knowledge, having new experiences and enjoying it all.  I want to become a marathoner, I want to find new comfort with my body through crossfit and yoga and maybe even martial arts. I want to take more photos, paint more, take a course in pottery, to find expression through art. I want to push myself in new ways and find my passion or even better passions, who says you can only have one!

I have always, at least from early childhood,  figured I would see 2075 and beyond. With that in mind the next 60+ years of my life will not stagnate in fear but move forward looking for adventures big and small.

So how will I kick off my 40th year...a really long walk...I have a number in mind but am not going to share at this time...maybe I will blog about it tomorrow?

As I am writing this I have become increasingly aware of all the things I have to be grateful for. The interesting thing about gratitude is that sometimes if we can find the gratitude in the more difficult experiences, the experience of loss, sickness, heartache, pain, fear, anxiety and all those other "negative" things can help to being about a more "positive" mindset.  While this "silver lining" thinking is not always possible, where it is possible, it is a gentle push forward and toward new and better things...with that in mind... I say goodnight and leave you with this.